“Do all things with kindness.” This is what I want for my life, as a woman, sister, mother, wife, and friend. I hope you guys know that when I bring you cookies, they’re the real deal, made from scratch with lots of love and real butter. You can count on me to wear black, to pick the red option if it’s available. Similarly, I want to be reliably kind.
Ephesians 4:32 says “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.” I am learning and trying, largely failing, but I would like to take a few minutes to discuss what parenting and living with kindness means to me today. I recognize that I have four young children and have not experienced all of the ages and opportunities that many of you have. Please bear with me.
“Kindness begins with me”
In his last conference talk, President Monson shared Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” He highlights several ways we can be an example of a believer, to shine our light to others, including our children. I would like to share a few of them.
- Use our words and conversations to lift and inspire. President Monson says the words we use can lift and inspire, or they can harm or demean. This is so true at home and especially in formative years. I’ve heard it said that the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. A sobering thought for sure! When our family members walk away, what lingers from our interaction? Love? Kindness? Respect? Encouragement? Resentment? Jealousy? Anger? Irritation? Receiving kind words from a stranger or especially from a loved one can lift us, especially when they are undeserved or unexpected.
- Be an example of charity, the pure love of Christ. “The Savior brought hope to the hopeless and strength to the weak. He healed the sick. He reached out in charity to any in need.” The Savior’s example encourages us to respond to those around us with love, even when their actions are frustrating or imperfect, as are ours so often. "The way of the miracle-worker is to see all human behavior as one of two things: either love, or a call for love."
- Be an example of faith, trusting in the Lord. My mom’s sure testimony of “trusting in the lord with all thine heart” will never leave me. President Monson counsels us to increase our faith through prayer and scripture study. This is particularly important in families, as evidenced by the sheer number of times we are reminded to maintain these important practices.
- Lastly, President Monson mentions purity in body mind and spirit. This can bring peace of mind. We cannot control our family members but we can control ourselves. Peace of mind is a blessing at each stage of our lives.
Strengthening these attributes will impact each of our relationships. We can teach the truths of the gospel in this dignified and quiet manner, as we live as believers. “Preach the gospel at all times, and when necessary use words.“ (attributed to Francis of Assisi).
It is never too soon to start. Small children mimic and learn by watching our every action, they'll turn any household objects into phones they swipe and place at their ears.If our goal is gospel conversion and testimony in our children, we can start with the basics. I grew up watching my mom and aunt comfortable in the kitchen, making do and involving the children. I am continually surprised by the number of people that tell me they are afraid to make a pie. I never knew such a feeling as I had seen it done and participated from my earliest memory. Isn’t the Gospel the same? If our children see us pray and are taught to pray, prayer can be a meaningful part of their lives. One day when our oldest child was a rambunctious toddler, a older investigator turned to us and said “This is why in my Church, the children don’t come until they’re older and able to sit still and listen!” While a quiet meeting has it’s perks, if we wait until they’re grown we’ve missed many opportunities to teach our kids about the importance of Sabbath observance, for them to feel the spirit, and learn and grow in the Gospel.
In his talk entitled “It’s never too early and it’s never too late, Elder Bradley D. Foster shares an example of how it’s never too late to start. After an insightful interview with a young missionary, he called his adult children and said that he remembered what it was like to be in their place in life and the struggles they face. He shared that he was there to talk and help. Many times my parents have done this for me. Although on paper it seems like I am a grown up, internally I still feel like a kid. It’s incredibly reassuring when loved ones reach out and say “I’m here for you, I understand you face challenges, I see you do hard things, you are important and I am rooting for you.” It’s just as important to me as it is to my little ones. I have recently felt such reassurance from an older sister in the ward, my parents, Bishop, and one of my children’s school teachers. We can all be an influence for good, on a micro level in our families, on a macro level in our communities. As Elder Foster encourages us, it’s never too late to lead, guide, and walk beside.
Sometimes, as a woman and mother of young children, I feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of to do’s. Okay, sometimes was the wrong word. Nearly always. And I persist in this ridiculous line of thought, that someday things will be simpler or easier. Like once I get my child potty trained, we’ll have more time and less worry about diapers. Surprisingly, this magically pool of time has never surfaced! Suddenly, we had school schedules to worry about, appointments, more clothes to wash, homework to deal with (didn’t I just finish dealing with my own homework? I applaud those of you going to school and dealing with their own kids in school at the same time). And the greatest of these things, FOOD. I love to cook and be in the kitchen, but it still shocks me that my family wants to eat every day. By the time I plan what to buy, buy the food, bring home the food, put the food away, cook the food, serve the food, and clean the food up, I feel like I’ve spent half my life making sure everyone is fed- not even counting the efforts to earn the money to buy the food in the first place. And I actually like this stuff and am lucky enough to have a nice home and easy access to clean water and great food (how do people do it that hate to cook, I ask myself continually). Even with attempts to simplify, there will always be tasks that need to be done. Entropy is natural, disorder creeps in. It doesn’t matter what stage of life you’re in, there’s always work that needs to be done. I am trying to refocus my attitude, to make little tasks into acts of love and service for those around me, to many help with the drowning feeling. “If you do something out of duty it will deplete you, if you do something out of love it will energize you.” We have so many opportunities to energize ourselves, so many chances to serve in small ways.
Elder Renlund, in his talk “Through God’s Eyes”, teaches that “one must serve knowing that everyone we serve is a beloved spirit son or daughter of Heavenly Parents and as such has a divine nature and destiny.” Then we can be filled with the pure love of Christ. Are we pleading for this love? “Mormon admonished, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.” When our kids pitch a 30 minute fit, or eat our new tube of lipstick, or cheat in school, or wreck the car- are we filled with the spirit of charity? How would that impact our behavior, what would that look like in our lives?
“Kindness is in our power even when fondness is not.”
There’s no guarantee of easy or good kids, just like we can’t run to Target and select the children with the right hair color and interests to suit our preferences. I recently read of a woman describing parenthood as blindly committing to a roommate for 18 plus years without seeing, meeting, or knowing one bit about the person. And yet, we do it. So, I try to commit to doing it with love and kindness. I ask- how can I bring more holiness to this moment (even the really crazy moments, like the witching hour, when dinner must be made, children have places to go, and all the babies are inexplicably crying). What would it look like if I chose charity at this time? What does this charity look like in your life? It doesn’t look like yelling at your kids “STOP YELLING!” I can assure you, but I won’t tell you how I know.
Joseph B. Wirthlin said “The things you say, the tone of your voice, the anger or calm of your words—these things are noticed by your children and by others. They see and learn both the kind and the unkind things we say or do. Nothing exposes our true selves more than how we treat one another in the home.”
I plead with each of you not to judge each other, but to reach out and lift. Remember our ultimate example, the Savior, who was an absolute radical in his love and acceptance, breaking bread with sinners and saints alike. Let us do all things in Love. As President Monson says, “Never have I yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind.” I have certainly regretted the opposite and pray daily for the strength to happily love and serve those around me, to see them as beloved children of Heavenly Parents.
Mother Teresa said “If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.” This is my prayer for each of us. Let us choose kindness and love one another, and in so doing teach our children the lessons that matter most- to love the Lord, and to love their neighbor.
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